Jeff Walz, the brother of Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz, has opened up about his brother’s brutal nature. “Tim was a bully,” said the brother, according to our source, “Nobody liked him.”
Unfortunately, we weren’t able to verify the source or the quote, so we sent ALLOD Journalisticator Tara Newhole to investigate.
“It seems that it’s a complete crock of bullhonkey,” said Newhole, “Tim’s neighbors seem to love him going back to slightly before he was born, when he kicked his mom so hard in the womb that she yelled “oh crap” in church and made everyone laugh.
“That was Tim’s nature, even then,” said Pastor Joe Barron, “Everyone loved him. It made poor Jeffrey so angry.”
According to Pastor Joe, Jeff was jealous of Tim because he could do things like math and formulate complete sentences. “Those weren’t Jeff’s strong points. He was more into sports. But Tim was better than him there as well.”
Several other neighbors we interviewed said that Tim still keeps in touch and sends personalized cards for the holidays. “We’re Jewish,” said neighbor Karen Detmeyer, “So he sends a lovely Haunukah card and a nice gefilte fish. It’s very thoughtful.”
There you have it, patriots. While Tim may not be a bully, he does refuse to buy Christmas cards and says “Happy holidays.” We can’t have that in our Christian Nation. God Bless America.
